Why I'm (still) a Mormon

I don't expect much more to ever be posted on this blog, and I'm largely just posting this to share it with some particular friends.  I won't be reading or replying to comments.  I'll talk about it via personal conversations but that's about it.

Why I'm (still) Mormon

I've read from a lot of friends who are dear to me that they've left the Church. Okay. Some friends did so very publicly and expressed an overwhelming relief to be done with it all. Others were very quiet about the matter, but the decisions they made and the way they spoke made it clear to me.

I didn't “unfriend” any of them, nor would I ever do so. These are people who I grew up with, who shaped my life and beliefs. Some of them were as close to me as any blood relative. One decision, no matter how big or important it is, doesn't devalue that relationship in any way to me, it just changes the direction it develops in for a time.

Before I go any further, no, I didn't “weep” over their decision. I am in no way mourning their choices nor do I even consider it lamentable. I don't see it as my mission in life to help them reclaim their faith and I am not much of a person for preaching.

What I am, however, is someone that cares about balance. After reading so many stories of friends leaving and giving detailed examples of why, I thought it best for me to share my own story of very nearly leaving on a number of occasions, and why I didn't.

I grew up in a good home with good parents. They were good parents because they cared and they tried to do their best. It wasn't perfect, even in the practice and expression of our faith. Most of my life fell under what I would call righteous dominion, and anyone who grew up in the church knows what I'm talking about. My priesthood leaders and adult mentors were patient with me, kind, long-suffering, and very god-fearing in general. I learned as much from good examples as I did from diligent scripture study.

Being the nerd that I was, I studied much harder than was required in Seminary. I actually read the complete Old Testament from cover to cover twice before I was 20 years old, and made it a goal to read at least one verse of scripture sequentially every night before I went to bed from the time I was 14 on.

I had a number of spiritual experiences which I won't recount in detail, but suffice it to say that I had "a testimony" and was very firm in my faith from the time I was 16 onward. I tried to read the Book of Mormon, and prayed about it's truthfulness when I was 7 years old and people were expecting me to be baptized. I hit 2 Nephi, which quotes Isaiah and, well, how many 7-year-olds do you know who can understand a word of Isaiah? I was frustrated and confused, and praying about it gave me comfort and helped me to be patient with myself. That experience was potent in nature and gave me a desire to study more and make study and prayer a life-long pursuit.

That changed significantly on my mission. It wasn't until recently that I've even been willing to talk about my mission experience publicly, and it was more than 10 years ago.  Everyone says, “it's hard, but it'll be the best two years of your life.”

That was a lie.

By far and away, my mission was the worst 10 months of my life.

I was spit on, I had things thrown at me. I had awful companions who had no business being out in the mission field (if you're reading this, you're not one of them, including you, MTC companion, you were one of the best ones and I just didn't see it at the time). The hatred, the violence, and the overwhelming disinterest did very little to shake my naïve faith in the Church.

About 5 months into my mission, my mission president passed away quite suddenly. We were told that he was sick, and 2 days after that we were told he was dead. This was a very kind and loving man who just wanted to help everyone around him. He was in his 50s, and left behind a widow and several teenage sons.

You teach people about death and the plan of salvation every day as a missionary. I had faith in what I was teaching, so I was confident in what his widow said at his (mission-specific) funeral service, that God needed him elsewhere and that she had been comforted knowing that our beloved mission president was still serving God.

I wish I could leave it there and say that I served an honorable full time mission and saw many people accept the gospel by perseverance, obedience, and faith. It makes a good story for the elderly relief society sisters to gossip about. That is sadly, not now how things went.

I had every investigator fall through, sometimes after months worth of promise and effort. The highlight, the absolute highlight, of my mission, was when I had an inactive member attend church after several years of inactivity only to have an anxiety attack during it and, to my knowledge, never come back again.

The man who was assigned to be the temporary mission president had no love for me in particular and was completely convinced that because I was experiencing stomach pain in the mornings that I was an irredeemable sinner. He made it his specific mission to make my time serving hell. He nit-picked at every action I took and everything I said, often calling my companions each night and asking for detailed reports as to what I said and did on a day to day basis. In our one-on-one meetings, he was outright abusive and had I been one of the kids on his basketball team at practice I'm convinced that he would've physically struck me on more than one occasion.

That paints the picture well enough, this man was awful and he had complete control over my life because that's how the Church has designed the missionary department. He told me what to eat, what to say, what to wear, and how to act, and he was absolutely abusive in character and in his position. What made matters worse, since he spent about 5 months picking apart every action I took, he made my particular case known to the general authorities in Salt Lake.

I began taking calls from staffers from general authorities who were examining every aspect of my life looking for sin. Living in a Church that heralds itself as being a champion of the Savior's forgiveness and experiencing this for several months on end was what finally shook my faith. What the Church did at a general level and at the mission-president level of administration was so far from peace and mercy that I began to question whether or not the Church even makes an attempt to practice their own doctrine.

I was sent home with no explanation other than a General Authority said I should be. Five months of severe scrutiny by more than two dozen Church employees, officers, and priesthood leaders turned up nothing that would disqualify me from priesthood service—although making out with a girl in college was very nearly turned into a capital offense. So, since they couldn't find anything on me, they just sent me home anyways without a word of explanation, likely out of frustration.

In the literal last hour of my mission, the temporary mission president gave a brief apology to me and put me on the plane home. My Stake President was at my home within a few hours of my plane landing and told me that I had been released and that I should get on with my life. No fanfare, no heroes welcome home as is common, just a Stake President in my dad's office saying that the computers of the Church's missionary department had released me and marked it as honorable service.

That's what happened, but it doesn't really say how I felt on the matter. I was the insufferable kid in deacon's quorum that always passed the sacrament and did everything asked of me. I was the perfect “Peter Priesthood” growing up and from the time I was ordained a deacon I knew that I wanted to be a missionary. I looked forward to my mission experience with hope for years. I wanted to serve God and my fellowman with my entire heart and I believed that a mission would be the best opportunity to do so.

I went to bed that night and didn't sleep a bit. I had been knocking doors for about 14 hours the day before and I worked myself to exhaustion each day prior to that, and yet many sleepless nights followed. My prayers were completely un-fullfilling. Had I done something wrong? Why was my service not good enough that it had to be cut short? What was wrong with me?

They never gave me a reason.

So that festered for years. I was obedient in action, but my heart drifted far from the Church. I resented the way that the general authorities had treated me. I couldn't find one bit of scriptural evidence or official policy that would dictate their behavior toward me. I read everything that fell into my lap for about two years afterwards before I gave up trying to understand their behavior. I became extremely well versed in “anti-mormon” literature both on my mission as an apologist and of my own interest afterwards as someone who felt that Morminism had failed me. Most of it's garbage that has no intellectual or historical rigor, but the same could be said of a lot of the heroic narrative that the Church paints of its history.

Because of that period of time, where I really had no idea what I was meant to become, I sought out everything on both sides of the argument. It took about 8 years to sort it all out.

On Joseph Smith, I concluded that he was a person who lived in the frontier period of America. I think John Taylor did him and his character a great disservice when he said that Joseph Smith had done more, save Jesus only, for the salvation of souls. I think that's absolute crap and I'll just say that outright. Joseph Smith WAS inspired and led by God throughout his life, but giving any credit to anyone other than God is misplaced.

On the Book of Mormon, I believe it. I've read it so many times in so many different ways, and I've read the D&C so many times that it's pretty easy for me to pick out, line by line, what's inspired and what's just Joseph. Even the stuff that's “just Joseph” isn't too bad, it's just typical rhetoric of a firebrand preacher of his day. The Book of Mormon doesn't suffer from Joseph's misconceptions about the gospel nearly as much as the D&C does. I can see his influence in it as a translator's influence would have on Beowulf or something of that nature, but not beyond that.  That's a testament to it right there. I looked at the historical evidence for years and there are no certain conclusions one way or another about it. Emma said that she was astonished that her husband who could barely dictate a letter was able to translate this beautiful and flowing narrative for hours on end when she acted as his scribe and I have no reason to doubt her account.  I believe the Book of Mormon is everything it claims to be.

I can see, given years of experience dealing with this, and a bit of maturity, that the Book of Mormon will never be completely verified or refuted--and that is God's intent. Without going into too much detail on the doctrine, the reason behind that is so that God can be more kind and merciful to the people who don't believe it and still serve them without any hint of condemnation.  For those who do believe it, God uses the uncertainties in it as a catalyst to receiving greater things. As with all the things we're required to take on faith, we do so that our faith, or lack thereof, can be turned, in God's hands, to our benefit.

Going back to my journey to remain a Mormon: I was still obedient in action, but I had no desire to serve faithfully in any calling and much of my week to week church experience was lackluster. I had some severe anxiety issues in regards to even being in a crowd after my mission. Sacrament Meeting each week was a special kind of hell for me. I can remember a period of time where one week out of a month was all I could muster for Church attendance and it was a real struggle to do even that.

Really, what was the point? I get an anxiety attack nearly every time I go. My service isn't wanted, much less appreciated. My attitude isn't in harmony with what people in the happy community of the Church want to see or experience. My perspective and views are seen, by some, as outright toxic and not conducive to the conservative utopia that is the cultural edifice of the Church. As far as I could tell, I wasn't doing any good in the Church and the Church wasn't doing any good for me.

But it wasn't about me.

I had children with my wife right away. As a filter for the people who never really had their faith tried, I tell them that I came home early to meet, date, and marry my wife. She had a job offer fall through and found herself as equally unexpectedly living with her parents as I did, so dating came natural. We fell in love, were married, and we had our first kid a few months after my original two years of service would've been up.

It's accurate. I can see the hand of the Lord in the circumstances in which I met and married my wife and it's as plausible an explanation for being sent home as any if you still sub-consciously believe the Church is infallible. Nevermind the fact that if God intended for us to be married, than an additional 14 months of waiting would've been an easy thing for Him to orchestrate.

One reason I attended Church, despite my lack of faith in it, was because of what it did for me as a kid. I had hope that my kids would have some of the same experiences: that of seeing kind and patient adults who care about the well being of those they serve. They weren't getting that from school, and we were far away from any family. I wanted my kids to see that there were good people in this world. It just so happened that the wards I was in had excellent people called to Nursery and Primary.

I attended Church because I couldn't find a good outlet for charitable giving and service. They had a lot of programs that helped with that and I always told myself that you can do more good working within an existing system than trying to make or find your own.

But why the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints specifically? Other churches and government programs can provide service opportunities—heck the world is in dire need of more helping hands. Other churches teach much the same thing in practice and they wouldn't have the soured history I have with the general officers of the Church of Jesus Christ.

Well, here's why I don't preach to people (present blog post excused). I met two wonderful people during this dark time in my life. Michael Christofferson and his wife Claire. He was sitting next to me Elder's quorum right after D. Todd Christofferson was called as an apostle. He just moved into our ward and after he announced his name I made a joke saying, “better be careful, walking around Church with a name like that, you might get mobbed”

He smiled at me and said, “I'll just duck under the crowd and find the nearest exit if that happens.”

“I'll help cover your escape” I responded jokingly.

We became instant friends, and his wife and mine became close friends quickly. My wife had to go out of state briefly and she told Claire and Micheal not to let me go hungry. They invited me over, and this wonderful couple were the first people, apart from my wife and parents, that I opened up to about my missionary experience. I felt close to them, and they were good friends and it seemed appropriate—maybe it was just the Parmesan asparagus that Claire served that got me to open up. I knew them as Micheal and Claire, they were just my friends.

I found out months after (through facebook of all places) that Elder Chistofferson was actually Micheal's dad. He never mentioned it and I hadn't asked because it wasn't of any concern to me. Take that coincidence for whatever it is to you, but to me that became a bit symbolic. And Michael, I'm sorry to call you out so publicly on this, but he was raised by Elder Chistofferson to be the kind and loving man I knew him to be. He's a kind and genuine friend and a joy to be around. In some way, Michael became the man he is today because of the way his dad raised him.

This helped heal the festering part of my wounded Church experience. To see a kindness emanating from general level of the Church was a new experience for me. I started picking out different things at General Conference. I no longer worried about any of the statements taking a political stance. Instead, what started sticking out in my mind was the expressions of earnest love and devotion to my well being that the brethren expressed countless times over the pulpit. I started mapping it out and for every one or two statements that cause an uproar to opponents of the Church there are hundreds of statements pleading with people to be kinder, and more understanding, and to seek God's will, whatever that may be.

That's why you probably haven't heard me preach very much. Many people who have left say this was the path they were meant to trod. Who am I to argue? My life is so vastly different from theirs. God works in a mysterious way to the outside observer, but in an intimate and individually tailored way to the participant. That's the core of why I'm still a Mormon. I believe the Spirit is what gives the emphasis to what's taught. What we're seeking can affect the noise level to that emphasis. If we're looking for something to be amiss, we will inevitably find it, and we may find later in life that it was of no benefit to our souls. If we're looking for love, kindness, and guidance, we'll find that it was always there, but now our spiritual eyes are more open to it, and we can understand it. In the Savior's words, it's a light that shines in the darkness, and the darkness comprehends it not. 

This counsel applies to how we treat each other, our neighbors, and our leaders. While I don't like the temporary mission president or the circumstances surrounding his reign, I do feel as though he learned some valuable lessons very late in his life that he could never had learned without going through that same experience. He was accustomed to sending young men home in an effort to clean up the mission he served, and had spent years doing just that. Because of his experience with me, I think he began learning the lessons he'd need to be a righteous priesthood leader in other callings. I'd like to think that the pain and suffering he caused me prevented the pain and suffering of many others after me.

In regards to the missionary department in general, I don't know if Elder Ballard and I could ever get along swimmingly. While I don't agree with how he runs his department (as I'm sure many reading would feel about other areas of the Church), I can still respect that we have differences of opinion and that the whisperings of the Spirit are likely to remain mum on those matters of lesser importance. The words he teaches as an apostle, when he acts within that mantle, still resonate with me, in particular his counsel to stay on the Old Ship Zion (Oct 2015, and Oct 2014).

God being at the helm doesn't mean all the rigging is right. It just means that we'll end up where He intends. Sailing around a storm is sometimes preferable, and other times necessary. That's what, I believe, is meant when we teach about the need for hope. Hope would be easy to practice if everything was always going well.

To finalize my thoughts and bring you up to where I am as of this writing today, I answer the question, why do I stay with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Well, I know the culture, I know the vocabulary, I know the doctrine better than that of any other group. If I'm going to have a positive influence anywhere in life, it will be most pronounced within the Church. I'll admit that some of it is purely habit. I groan a bit inside myself whenever someone gets up at Fast and Testimony Meeting and says, “I know the Church is true” because it's just not that simple.

The Church of Jesus Christ is, through varying degrees throughout its history and even in modern times a leader in moral thinking and in establishing what most feel to be the will of God. They were the first very vocal anti-slavery group. They advocated for equal treatment of women back in 1830. They were talking about the sanctity and need for strong family living back in 1995. They tend to be the either the first to teach a moral lesson if not the only one championing a worthy cause and many other churches and groups follow in their wake. They're right more often than not and I can see how there's Divine guidance in what they teach.

What I will say, for certain, is that I know that God is directing this Church. I see a lot of that same thing in other faiths, but not to the same extent as I do here—perhaps that's due to my familiarity or for other reasons, but that's what it is to me. I see it in the wards I feel prompted to live in and the people serving there. I see how the Lord will correct larger errors in the Church given time and the frustrating mediums He has to work with, and will let the smaller ones go for the sake of helping the most people possible. I love the analogy of the Church to the Savior. He is the bridegroom and the Church is always described as being His spouse with varying levels of fidelity.

When the Savior talks about His church, sometimes he speaks of how she's been unfaithful to Him. Studying Church history in detail, there was a very clear period of apostasy from 1910-1930, where Church activity rates were estimated to be below 10%. I can't imagine God was happy with Church members (and perhaps many of the leaders) at that time and I think the same can be true to lesser extent today. The Church isn't always faithful to God, but God is always faithful to the Church. My relationship with the Church of Jesus Christ is largely an extension of what I have with it's spouse. I love God, I believe in Jesus Christ, and for His sake I will do my best to get along with her and make things better for all of us. I don't think I could understand that without what I learned in Church.

What I thought I knew about having kids

If you haven't seen Bill Cosby's skit on "natural child birth" then you should put that somewhere in your "I should check that out" memory bank.

In it, he talks about how he and his wife are "intellectuals."  He elaborates about all the plans they make in having children, and then hilarity ensues.

I have a lot of friends who are on the fence about having kids.  They hear rhetoric ranging from, "kids are just too expensive" to "plan and make sure you're ready to have children."

I reject this entire paradigm of thinking about children.  Here's all you need to know, coming from a father of 4 kids.

Children are an act of faith.

That's it.  They're not "expensive" they're not a "huge responsibility" they're not a "life-changing event," they are an act of faith.  Do you want money in life?  It's okay to say yes.  Well, having kids is a leap of faith that you can both mentor and provide for this little person and still get what you want.

No matter what your goals are in life, children do NOT prevent you from achieving them.  Sure, you can use your kids as excuses for falling short if you want, and they can make certain goals in life more challenging--but what no one told you is they can actually make achieving a lot of your goals a lot easier.  Children are about the best motivation I have ever found in my life for achieving the things I always wanted when I was single, but too nervous or complacent to actually do.

So, whatever any half-brained journalist, column writer, or socially indoctrinated friend tells you, just know that in the end, children are an act of faith.

Typical Evening With Kids vs Without Kids

Read a "Typical Saturday Morning" post of this nature, so here's the evening version courtasy of yours truly.


Dad

With Kids	Time	Without Kids
Get home from work, stressed, disgruntled and in need of a break. You can't be tired, it's not allowed yet. Kids are screaming, there's an odor in the air of a dirty diaper, TV is playing loudly in the background.	5:00	Get home from work tired. Flip on the TV, find something interesting to watch.
Attempt to change out of your work clothes without being followed or having any one of a hundred non-washable stain treatments haphazardly thrown about your dwelling mark what you're wearing. Make it into your room with only one straggling kid who insists on you wearing a tiara/blob of mud (depends on gender)	5:30	Ooow, sitcom.
All candy, snack food, junk food, health food, and basically everything except for the Gerber first-start food you bought specifically for your kids has been ravaged, so you start eating some Gerber first-start food. You dream briefly of catching up on the mess in the kitchen/living room/bedrooms/bathrooms.	6:00	I'm kinda hungry, gonna grab some chips or snack food.
Okay, I can't get this mess mopped up, and I can't sweep because of all the legos scattered about, so where's that bin you bought for your kids? Cracked in two, guess all the toys go in the garbage? You announce that you're throwing away toys to your kids, and they panic, start screaming and possibly pick up one or two of the 346,204 items they've left on the ground. You concede and just use your foot to push enough of them aside to clean one area of floorspace that you haven't seen in a week.	6:30	I can do dishes tomorrow night. Big Bang Theory is on.
It's been two days since I've been able to keep the 2-year-old from biting me while attempting to brush her teeth. Argue with the wife about which tranquilizing drugs are safe to use on children for a bit. Try to act excited and turn teeth-brushing into a game. Have blood drawn from young teeth, again.	7:00	Should I go out tonight? Meh, let's see what else is on. . .
Try to read child a bedtime story. Get your third rib bruised when they wiggle violently on your lap. Tell kids to stop arguing with the story. Attempt to tuck them in, only to have 15 complaints delivered serially (it starts with a "I want water," I get water and return to be informed that it has to be in a sippy cup, so I put it in a sippy cup and return to be informed that it has to be a blue sippy cup. I continue this process until I pass out, blow up, or give up)	7:30	I should probably get changed. Guess I'll coordinate with a close associate about evening plans.
Half the kids are down, so it's safe for me to look in all my hiding spots for food that might be edible. Help oldest with homework. Break up a fight. Finally stuff face with more than discarded baby food.	8:00	Change to pajamas, find a book, start reading.
Tell the older kids to finish their chores and start getting ready for bed; be ignored. Turn the TV on to see if there is a show available that you might enjoy, and you find one--briefly ignoring the PG-13/TV-LV rating on it and attempt to turn it on.	8:30	What a great book!
Woah, yeah, didn't want my kids seeing that. Hopefully they didn't. Aw crap, they've been behind me the entire time glued to this show and they noticed that I'm eating some regular food and that they finally have my attention so they start demanding food identical to mine. I provide, then help them brush their teeth and send them up to bed.	9:00	What time is it? Who cares, it's just getting interesting.
I'm pretty sure I heard a loud thud from the kid's room. I go to investigate. They've been throwing toys off the bed and have woken up the baby. Help the baby calm down and fall asleep again, scold children, go brush teeth after locking the door behind me. I haven't showered in two days, so I best attempt that. Well, wife is in the shower and has already ignored advances for the past few days. Guess I start getting my stuff together for work tomorrow.	9:30	9:30? I got time.
Work bag packed, check schedule for tomorrow. Check facebook for a few minutes before you hear the voice of your oldest say, "who's that?" Ask them why they aren't in bed, to be informed that another diaper needs changing. Try to get the kids settled after the most recent diaper change.	10:00	Hmm, video games? Don't mind if I do!
Lay down. My mind is racing too fast to go to sleep. Quell anxieties about being a good parent for a moment and attempt to organize thoughts. Hear a knock on the door, one of the kids has wet the bed. Get up, help wife change the sheets, lay back down and repeat.	10:30	Yes, new high score!
Slam pillow over head defiantly when the baby starts to scream. Briefly reflect on how much your life sucked before you were married and had kids and smile a bit before telling your wife you love her. She smiles, and gets up to take care of the baby.	11:00	Maybe I should think about going to bed. . .Ooow, facebook!

Lost My Marbles (follow up)

So, the marble program is now well established in our household, and we have found it to be a very useful, low-maintenance tool for improving the quality of life in our home.  It takes us about 3 minutes per day to keep it up to date and running, and it has had a drastic impact on our home.

Here's how.

First, the marble system fundamentally boils down to a physical reward for doing something that mom and dad like.  Rewarding kids is important, and they need a wide variety of positive reinforcements for good behaviors to turn into habits, which build into enjoyable personalities, and the marble system is meant to be used as an add-on to praise, treats, affection, quality time, and entertainment as rewards.

My kids have now learned that marbles are valuable.  They owe me 14 marbles per week for their room and board, which has helped them learn to take initiative (particularly on the weekends before rent falls due).  V grows much more helpful on the weekends just before Rent is due, whereas N gets more conservative with her spending habits.  Y, the 2 year old, has just learned that she gets more freedom and goodies when she does what she's told, and I think she understands that marbles translates to good things happening for her.  Each trip to the store becomes a thrill to the kids, because they're looking to spend their marbles on toys, or candy.  The best part about the marble system is that mom and dad have no say in how they chose to spend their marbles, or when they can play with the toys that they bought.

Ownership seems to be a lot more important to kids than I thought.  I'm not talking about gifts and birthday toys, though those are important.  I'm talking about the process of working, saving, and earning something.  It's theirs, and no one can take it from them.  Having those havens of ownership has cut down on fighting significantly.

N has things that are specifically hers, and if Y or V ask to use them, we say, "talk to N."  Giving kids this dominion has become a tool to actually teach sharing, because Dani and I will never infringe on our kids genuine property rights for the items that they earned.

If you'd like to try the marble system in your own home, here's how we got it started.

Create a chart of things that improve the quality of life in your home, and things that kids do that decrease the quality of life in your home.  Some examples:

Good Stuff	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Showing kindness without being asked
Helping with the dishes
Living room cleaned before bedtime
Getting dressed (morning)
Getting Breakfast On Your Own
Brushing teeth

Costs	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Rent
Food
1 Hour of TV
1 Hour of Computer Games
Fighting
Making Mom or Dad Ask More Than Once
Not taking care of yourself

This is a baseline for our "marble" chart.  Dani put pictures by each task to remind the kids what each one was, and laminated it.  We use a dry-erase marker to keep track of what they've done during the week, and then jars that contain their running totals.  Usually, we try to give them the marble right when they finish doing something good, but N and V really like the accounting part of it, so we keep track of their money with both their running-total marble jar, and their tally points on the chore board.

Breadwinner?

I've been the sole provider for our family since we were married.  I've worked very hard so Dani could be a stay-at-home mom.  That's what we discussed when we were engaged and that's what we wanted.  It was mostly because we wanted to champion traditional family values and show, through the way we lived, the benefit of following them.

That was about 8 years ago.

Now I've been working a day job for the better part of a decade.  If social pressures and dogma get their way, then I'm almost done with decade 1 with 3 or 4 more to go.  When it's all over, I get to spends the last few years of my life traveling, serving missions, playing with grandkids, and so forth.

I do believe that we all have to work to be happy and successful in life. But, when it comes to the conventional wisdom of how we need to go about work, I don't buy it.

I don't buy that just having mom accessible to the kids is what's best for them.  Why have we designed our entire society around taking fathers out of the home?

What is wrong with designing a social structure where kids, who are old enough, study and learn right next to dad each day as dad works to provide?  Can't I both provide for my kids' present needs and teach them to provide for their own in doing so?

I realize that doing this would sort-of predetermine what kind of jobs my kids would be good at, and becomes the foundation of a class-based society, but I'm just conceptually sick of this idea that a father is an appendage to their kid's development.  I want more than that, and I just don't know how to fill that role.

For the time being, I'm just content to be my kids' tutor for their school work.

Fitness After 4 Kids

One goal I tried to keep between pregnancies was to get back to pre-baby size and weight.

That didn't happen after my 3rd. I was actually on a diet plan when I then fell ill with an awful stomach bug that went around causing me to not be on plan but on an I.V. drip at the hospital. I then found out less then a week later I was pregnant. Stop the diet and prepare for baby.

Pregnancy 4 was the one where I gained the most and because I didn't loose all the weight from baby #3 I weighted the most I had ever weight in my entire life.

Depression.

How to fight it? I started working out. I found that it helped with the depression, gave me a little "me" time and helped me be happy because I was working on getting to my goal of pre-baby #3.

Now of course it hasn't come off nearly as fast as I have wanted it to and I still can't fit into my jeans with out a comical dance that includes a lot of jumping, sucking it in and strained finger tips as I try to button up my jeans. Oh, I've gotten them buttoned but the over hang muffin top is enough to make me cry.

Keep going I'm doing great.

But exercise is not enough. My major obstacle is eating. I'll eat if I'm bored, stressed, depressed, mad, or just out of plan habit. Does that taste good? Yes? We'll then don't mind if I help myself to more then my stomach can handle.

So I'm working on that.

I talked to my doctor and he told me things like this take time. I have to develop the habits and just because it doesn't come off now doesn't mean it wont when conditions are better.

"What other conditions?" I asked him.

Turns out, sleep. Yeah a 3-month-old who was waking me up 4 times a night and the occasional random scream from the 2 year-old who can't find her sippy was wearing me thin emotionally, but did nothing for my waist-line. Thus creating a very tired mommy.  The doc said that getting enough sleep, and keeping your stress levels manageable play a big role in weight loss and fitness.  Yeah, add the juggeling act of 4 kids and my stress levels were up too.

It's not all neat and orderly how I would like. I don't get to the gym the same time every day and get 2 hours to myself. My 8 hours of sleep are still out of reach (we're working on that) but I'M DOING WHAT I CAN.

And that is what counts.

Oh I still beat myself up and slip and then beat myself up some more. But everything takes time and work and I have a great hubby who is helping me along, because it's something I want. He likes how I look. I just want what I had before and I know it is possible. So here I go.

Pavlov's Children (follow-up)

Well, it didn't go exactly as planned--but few things do when it comes to parenting.

Y and I spent a lot of time figuring things out, and here's what I learned:  kids can't process emotions the same way adults do.  When I'm angry, she doesn't pick up on those queues unless I deliberately exaggerate them.  I remember readings some studies showing that teenager's minds didn't process emotions shown on people's faces in the same way adults did.  It stands to reason that toddler's process emotions in a different way too.

This training helped her learn four audio queues.  Y now recognizes my approval, regular communication, agitated, and angry vocal inflections. Before this week and this time training, she really didn't respond to me at all.  She is responding very well to those now.  The treats and negative reinforcement were hardly needed at all, and the entire process took about 3 sessions ranging from 5 minutes to 2 hours.

Since Y went through the training, she has started cleaning up when asked and doing what she is told by the time I reach my agitated inflection.   I call that a miracle.  Before, she was very disruptive when it came time to cleanup--running around, dumping the toys, and so forth.  Now she is looking for ways to help and no longer trying to make things hard for her older sisters.

I'm looking forward to rewarding Y for the next few room cleanings. I also think Y and I will start getting along much better.

AFK

Sorry, no post today--ran short on our buffer, and we couldn't find any time to write in this past week.

Fight Reduction Plan

http://mymumdom.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/argument.jpg

I was up late last night thinking in my bed.  I do that a lot, think.  Last night, my thoughts were centered around all the little-kid fights in my house.

I hate these fights.  I hate the contention, the noise, the results, and just everything about them.

Then I started to think, "why do people, in general fight?"

I went through a lot of different reasons, and none seemed to fit.  After about a half hour pondering it, I stumbled across one that did.  I think people fight, in general, because of a lack of graciousness/patience and intelligence.

Why would we go to war as a nation?  Well, because politicians can't think of a peaceful solution in time.  They could get more time if they were more gracious or patient, and they wouldn't need as much time if they were more intelligent and creative.

The same is true for kids.  Kids aren't exactly well known for their intelligence and ability to creatively solve their own problems.  My three of my kids feel like that's my job, and take no responsibility for it.  Also, children aren't known for their patience either.

I don't think I can eliminate all the fighting in my home, but I think if I teach my kids a bit more graciousness, patience, humility, and creative thinking, I might be able to reduce it significantly.

So, to start, my biggest fight-starter is Y.  I started playing a game called "fast grab."  I put 11 objects on the ground, and we stare at each other like a game of chicken.  Once one person goes for one, we try to grab as many as we can.  Whoever grabs the most, wins.  Now, I'm much faster and dexterous than a 2-year-old, so I could win any time, but that's the point.  It helps remind her that she, literally, can't just take what she wants, and that the only reason she gets anything is if I let her--which I do of course.  Combine that with positive encouragement, and it becomes an example of graciousness, and forces her to be patient with the most frustrating thing in her life--herself.  She loves it because she gets one-on-one time with a parent, and I hope it's going to work out well for everyone.

I'm still trying to come up with ideas for teaching my kids patience and gratitude.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments below.

7 Chores Appropriate for Toddlers

Kids, contrary to popular belief, are not helpless.  Some are quite capable, and many of them want as much independence as their developing frames can handle.  Helping around the house is a great way for children to improve their motor skills.  It also can help boost their self esteem and reduce their destructive tendencies.  Here are some activities that we've found any kid capable of walking can do.

1. Put toys in a bin -  Putting toys away is the simplest activity.  A toddler won't always remember where the toy goes, but they can understand the words "doll" and "blue bin" just fine.  The trick is to show them exactly how to clean up by explaining what you're doing as you're doing it.  I find it is also helpful to grab their hands and get them to go through the motion of picking up once to help the concept stick.
2. Sweeping - They can't handle a full-size adult broom, but there are plenty of kiddie brooms.  Don't expect them to get full surface area coverage, but they are capable of picking up spills of dry cheerios just fine and getting them to use a broom or brush of some sort really helps them with their fine-motor skills.
3. Washing walls - A tiny bit of Lysol in warm water and a rag, and you can get the first two or three feet of your wall scrubbed down.  Most kids find this activity fun.  We've had to do this whenever a kid takes crayon to the wall--Dani and I refuse to clean that with our own hands.  It has worked really well, as we've only ever had two or three incidents with each kid before they caught on that they'd have to scrub really hard to get stuff off.
4. Cleaning up spills - It depends on how much sugar was in the drink.  Water, Gatorade, and most juices can easily be cleaned up by a kid with a damp rag and a dry rag.  The only drink I can think of that has required a subsequent parental clean up is hot chocolate.
5. Dishes - Kids can rinse dishes off just fine if they can reach the sink.  We have a little step stool in our kitchen so our kids can reach easier.  They are also really good at sorting clean dishes out of the dishwasher.  We have our kids pull all the clean dishes out and sort them on the counter so Dani and I can put them high-up in the cupboard.  N is tall enough to get most all of them in the cupboard as well, but it's convenient for us to have all the like dishes and cups stacked and ready to go after the dishwasher is done.  Hand-washing pots and pans tends to be a little beyond what they can grasp.
6. Making their bed - We have a toddler bed for Y and regular doubles for V and N.  Dani and I had to coach and help out with this one for about a week, but after they had to make their bed two or three times they started sleeping in a much more orderly manner.  It will always take a little help, but V and N can make a bed together without any help now--and they've even extended those skills to folding full queen-size comforters.
7. Laundry - They can't really start the washing machine, and Dani and I don't like them handling the detergent, but giving them a hamper in their room and expecting them to carry a full hamper down and placing clothes in an empty washing machine is something every kid is capable of doing.

Well, I hope this gives you some ideas of what you can do to get kids helping around the house.  What are some household chores you've been able to get your kids to do?

Getting Into Gear

Parenting is hard.  It is the most difficult thing about my life.  Being a parent means having a ton of latent stress.  I find myself plagued with questions of the nature of, "Is my kid going to fit in at school?"  "Are they going to do well enough to get by in society?"  "Are they willing to learn and adapt to their environment?"
It really doesn't matter what the question is, the point is that I can't push them all out of my mind.  They weigh on me, as a father.  It weighs me down and slows me down.
When I'm not dealing with latent stress regarding my kids, I'm dealing with actual stress from my kids or job.  Keeping a toddler alive is a stressful job.
Stress sometimes gets to me.  I can't just brush it off all the time.  Some days, I can't just "cowboy up."

But sometimes I can.  Dani and I call such times as "shifting."  We have our neutral positions (pinterest for Dani, bloons tower defense for me), and we have our different gears.  When we shift into gear, we're spending energy and getting good things done.  When we're in "neutral," we're regaining energy.

The kids force us into gear frequently.  While we are doing good things when the kids shift us, usually we don't do them in a good way.  That's when we start yelling, and getting upset.  When we chose to shift, that's when we're patient, kind, and deliberately good parents.

I feel like a bad parent when I'm forced into action.  I hate yelling at my kids.  I don't like punishing them for trivial reasons.  I feel like a bad person if I am forced to shift.

So I'm working on building the strength to choose to be a good parent, and to motivate myself into action.  Here are some of the things that I've tried that have helped:

1.  Read my scriptures
  I'm a religious person, so this is an uplifting activity for me that gives me more emotional strength.  It could be any good book that can engage your mind and emotions.  For me, the scriptures are my go-to source.
2.  Go out alone
  Babysitters are hard and require planning.  Ya know what, though, not everything I do requires my spouse present.  I like arcade games, and sometimes just doing something I enjoy on my own can help get me back in a positive frame of mind.
3.  Spend some one on one time with your kids
  My daughters have good days and bad days.  When I need to recharge or refocus my efforts, I find one of my kids who is having a good day and spend some one on one time with them doing something they want to do.
4.  Do something nice for your kids
  Their excitement can be infectious, and anything out of the ordinary can be exciting.  My kids talk about trips we've taken with them to the candy store for days on end.  Anything new is exciting, and anything nice you do for them can quickly put positive feedback and energy into your daily life.
5.  Set boundaries
  Your gonna be forced to do things you don't want to do as a parent.  I have never once changed a diaper because that was my heart's burning desire at that moment.  When you do have to act as the "bad guy" for your kids, chose some lines that you won't cross.  For me, the line I don't cross is saying something as if I were assigning a negative label to my kids.  e.g. it's okay to say, "you did something very stupid" but it's not okay to say, "you are stupid" to my kids.  Those boundaries will put some silver linings on your dark cloud moments.
6.  Involve kids to participate in your neutral state
  I play games when I'm in neutral.  I often find one (or more) of my kids on my lap when I'm playing.  Sometimes, having them there is enough to turn my mind and my will towards being a better parent, and it leads to play time with my kids.  Sometimes, just letting your kids watch you can be a good positive motivator.

Pavlov's Children

Y likes to push buttons.  She knows exactly how to cry to get Dani and I to capitulate.  I'm fine with a daughter pulling my strings to try and serve her own ends, but it needs to go both ways.
Some days, Y just is super helpful (for a 2-year-old).  Other days, I have to physically pick her up and move her to where I want her to go.  It's really hit or miss, and I'd wager this lifestyle is not helping my long-term health.
So, I've decided to prioritize.  I want her to clean when I ask her to everytime without delay.  I want her to go to her room when I ask her to every time (bed time, time-out, breaking up fights) and I want her to stop taking things from other kids and hitting them.
I'm drafting up a 2-year-old obedience school curriculum to do just that.  It's loosely a behavioral conditioning setup using positive and negative reinforcement.  The positive reinforcement is going to be a combination of chocolate, positive interaction with me, and chasing (because Y loves to be chased).  The negative reinforcement will be taking away her security blanket, and spraying her face with water.  I think those two negative reinforcements will work better than the yelling and time-out punishments I've been giving her, since she seems to have a good deal of separation anxiety.
The plan is to get the older sisters out of the house, have a messed up living room, and train her to clean it one item at a time for the first few days.   After a few days, I'll move up to having her clean by giving her two tasks at a time, and associating that with the phrase "clean the living room," and then bump her up to cleaning the entire room.
As for fighting and hitting, I figure the opposite is having her give things to her sisters when they're playing, so I'll ask her to take a toy to N or V and then reward her for doing so.
Then, over the course of a week or two, I'll gradually back off on the rewards until I'm certain she'll continue to exhibit good behavior without being immediately rewarded with a treat.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Daddy-Daughter Dates

My dad told me:
  "Son, a lot of guys think that the way to live the good life and be surrounded by beautiful women is to make lots of money and buy a fancy sports car.  In reality, the real way to be surrounded by beautiful women is to have daughters."

Well, the ol' man was right.  It's exceptionally hard to get Dani to go out with me now (babysitters are a rare commodity), but even suggesting a daddy-daughter date is enough to get N, V, or Y jumping up and down with excitement.

Daddy-daughter dates aren't like regular dates, though.  Normally, you're trying to get to know the person through understanding their tastes and preferences, often through conversation and activities.  In daddy daughter dates, you become the Sherpa-style guide to your adventurous explorers.  Kids don't have enough life experience to know their tastes and preferences like adults do, so they find it out by exploring.

I think next daddy-daughter date I go on will be taking N on a hike up the mountains.

What date ideas do you think would help kids explore the world around them?

The Idiot Box

T.V. is a strange beast for a parent to deal with.  On the one hand, it makes a decent half-babysitter.  Plopping the kids in front of a show while you get some work done around the house is terribly convenient.  On the other hand, the babysitter you're handing your children over to changes every 20 minutes.
T.V. effectively is accepting a show's writer as your babysitter.  Now, some writers are horrible people who don't share any of your standards.  Other writers are just trying to sell more toys to your kids.
  Mentally, I like to think of the T.V. as letting the local population of Walmart watch your kids while you shop.  A lot of people will be just decent and helpful.  Who knows, if you let this happen in real life, maybe a kind hearted retired school teacher would find your kid and just play with them until you got back (Leap Frog).  Maybe they'd be supervised by a social worker (Sesame Street), or by another parent with kids (Barney).
I started with the positive because any actual parent would be terrified to hand their child unwittingly over to the population of a local supermarket for fear of pedophiles.  In reality, there aren't many T.V. producers that are trying to get your kids to explore their sexuality at an early age--but they are out there and they are cunning and self-interested.
So, what can you do?  Well, you can get rid of T.V. all together, if you have the strength and energy to pull that off.  Dani and I, personally, don't.  So, what we do is we watch the first few episodes with them and tell them what we think.  There was a show our kids found call horseland, which was basically the movie "mean girls" for 3-year-olds that we banned because of all the catty fighting and unpleasantness shown in there.  If there aren't characters that I can clearly label as "good guys" who are worthy of my kids' emulation, I ban that show in my house.  I don't mind if there are bad guys, or scary parts--shoot, I let my kids watch Doctor Who regularly because I think it helps show the merits (and dangers) of curiosity in a healthy light.  I do care about the behaviors shown in the shows my kids watch.

What about when you've built up a good number of shows for your kids to watch and they can't agree on one?  My girls usually can settle on My Little Ponies, but Y always wants Barney or Leap Frog, V always wants Ponies or Ruby Gloom, and N wants Jake and the Neverland Pirates or Ever After High.

Chores

I mentioned the marble system in our house in a previous post.  So, we make it so one hour of T.V. costs a marble (the equivalent of one chore around the house).  The second hour of T.V. costs 2 marbles, third costs 3, and so on.  This is a per-kid system, so it effectively ensures that each kid gets to chose one hour's worth of T.V. shows a day, and since they have to do their homework to earn the marble, I'm not worried about it rotting their brains.

Adjusting

We've had 4 kids for 3 months now.  It's been a big adjustment.  I've had more than a few days where I felt like the mom off Malcolm in the Middle, ready to explode at the next provocation.  If it's this hard with four generally well-behaved kids, I can only imagine what it's like for other families.

It might be another 7 or 8 months before my blood pressure is back down to the 3-kids levels, but I'm finally learning to chill out once in a while and stop panicking all the time.

Ya know, when we were pregnant with N, I was a neurotic mess.  I wondered if I could be a good dad, or if I could take care of a newborn child.  That neurosis doesn't lessen with each additional kid, it just gets pushed off and moved to your subconscious.

Why is 4 such a hard adjustment?  Well, a new baby is always more time-intensive than a toddler.  Toddlers want to explore on their own, and some even fight you for their independence.  Babies take at least one parent out of the game when they're awake.  So, even though the baby is starting to sleep more regularly and takes frequent naps, it means there are effectively 4-8 hours a day where either Dani or I am a single parent of 3 kids under the age of 7.

I have my limits, and taking care of these four kids is beyond them, so I think the reason adjusting has been this hard is because we've had to teach the older kids to help take care of the younger.  That requires even more of our time to teach than to just do it ourselves, so we've invested so much more into parenting in the short-term in hopes of long term benefits.

It is working, slowly.  N will now get bowls and get breakfast ready in the morning for her two younger sisters, and she'll help clean up after them (she's rewarded with extra marbles for doing so).  Dani has taught all the kids to clean their room and helped them immensely with that.

I guess, in retrospect, if I had known that each additional kid was this much harder, I would've forced my kids to learn how to take care of themselves sooner and saved me all this stress.

8 Tips for Disciplining a Toddler

So, I think every parent gets here.  You have a kid who simply won't obey.  Obedience might keep them from doing something socially unacceptable, dangerous, or just something that specifically gets you riled up.  Before you get to your wits end, here are 8 different methods of discipline that have worked with our toddlers.

1. Hugs  -- as strange as this sounds, half the time when a kid is acting up, they're just looking for more attention.  If they can't get positive, they'll get negative by throwing things, causing fights, tearing up the room.  
2. Sitting and holding them -- Kids are wild.  They want to run around.  Holding them down might give you some bruises, but it also gives you a chance to lecture until they are willing to do ANYTHING to run free again. 
3. Lecturing -- Kids don't remember stuff very well, and the way you lecture has to be different with small kids.  They understand most of what you're saying before they're able to crawl, but they can't retain audio information for more than a few seconds.  Keep the lecture down to one or two sentences, repeat it about every 15 to 20 seconds two or three times.  Repeat it again about every five minutes and it's much more likely to stick.
4. Withholding -- I try to keep this as a last-ditch effort.  My kids each grew attached to something new every year or so of their lives.  When they really act out, taking that one thing can be very effective to get them back in line very quickly.  This only works for an hour or two at most, use it sparingly.
5. Spanking -- oh my how much we've heard about this as parents!  I'm sure we've all heard posts from one or more media outlet saying that spanking my kid is bad because psychologist X says I'm permanently scaring my kid by hitting them.  Here's the thing, kids don't process pain the same way adults do.  It doesn't register in their brain as "danger your body is being damaged,"  it more closely registers as "information, be alert! and pain"  I don't know why kids brains are wired like that, I just care about how to leverage this as a parent.  When would I want my kids to be more alert?  How about when they're placing themselves in physical danger?  If given the choice between my kid getting hit by a car and getting a spanked, then I'll spank them every time.  If you have to spank them, you have about 2 words worth of lesson to give before they drown you out.
6. Treats -- An ounce of prevention is worth, well, who cares what it's worth if you get 20 minutes peace and quiet?  Using this as a disciplinary technique is tricky--it's basically like training a dog.  When there's a mix of good and bad behavior, having treats on hand to give the kid can help the good behaviors drown out the bad until it virtually disappears.  Kids have bigger brains than dogs, so they catch on pretty quick.
7. Choice -- Giving more choices takes more of your time, and is hard.  Blue dress vs red dress, you have to wait for your kid to make up their mind.  If you don't have the strength to give your kids options, then they'll instinctively know something is wrong.  The best part of this technique is that kids, who I find are generally kind and loving, will want to help you be happy again, so even if you aren't consciously disciplining and are just frustrated by something, your kids will probably start jumping in to help fix the frustration.
8. Incentive -- Money works with me, and it actually can work with toddlers too.  Well, not money precisely, but monetary-related rewards.  Earning something is sometimes a bigger win than being given something.  For N, it was a week's worth of good behavior, and 10 minutes in the toy aisle at Walmart where she decided on a fuzzy green ball by playing with that more than anything else.  Once she realized that the marks on the calendar meant she could chose a toy every so often, desirable behaviors skyrocketed.

*Disclaimer:  toddlers are generally unruly and wild and not considered controllable by any stretch of the imagination.  These are just "tips" or things that have worked for Dani and I in the past.  Good luck.

She lost a tooth

   N went to church Sunday to show all her friends her loose tooth.

   Monday she went to school with a loose tooth. She returned home with a small plastic tooth that opened up and held her first lost baby tooth.

  Tuesday after school, she went to write a note to the Tooth fairy requesting that she keep to keep her tooth but still get a present.

   After writing said note, she discovered her sister V had taken the small plastic tooth, opened it and lost her tooth.

   Cry.

   Mom vacuums EVERYWHERE.

   Mom shifts through mucky nasty water and other junk that was vacuumed up and discovered the lost tooth! And to add to the "I am MOM hear me ROAR" feeling, the tooth had broken in half and I found both pieces!!! Thank goodness teeth don't float.

   N discovered tooth broke.

   Cry some more.

   Mom says the tooth fairy still takes broken teeth.

   Crying stops.

   10p.m. at night and mom remembers the Tooth Fairy. Mom searches the house for the note. Stuffs it, a note from the Tooth Fairy and the tooth in an envelope and places it next to N's pillow.

   BANG, BANG, BANG! On the parents bedroom door that morning!!!!.

  Great rejoicing over 50 cents.

   N - "Mom, I love the Tooth Fairy. She writes nice notes and gives great gifts!"

  Score!

Busy

Will I ever not feel busy again?  I heard that radio jockeys have every minute planned out in advanced.  Some even break it into 30-second intervals.

That's what my life is like now with 4 kids. . .for example:

7:40 - wake up

7:41 - no, serious, wake up, the kids are screaming

7:42 - calm the kid who is crying

7:43 - get the oldest out of bed

7:44 - shuffle the two younger girls downstairs

7:45 - tell the oldest to get out of bed, but this time louder

7:46 - get bowls for everyone out

7:47 - address complaints about breakfast while serving them whatever I can reach

7:49 - you forgot pants, go put pants on

7:49 - clean up Y's spilled bowl

7:50 - try to get caught up on the dishes

7:53 - get the baby out of the crib, all things from here on out are one-handed

7:55 - tell the kids to eat faster

7:56 - have kids put bowls in the sink

7:57 - tell N to go get dressed

7:58 - teach V and Y to make their beds

7:59 - tell N to get dressed faster

8:00 - Teach V and Y to get themselves dressed

8:04 - finish getting myself dressed

8:05 - get my work clothes and computer packed up and ready to go

8:09 - tell N she can't wear a shirt for both her tops and bottoms

8:10 - See if Dani has finished the lunches

8:11 - N is clothed, needs shoes and backpack

8:12 - address complaint that V and Y are now bored

8:13 - finish packing

8:15 - out the door to go to school/work for the day

And I won't try to scare you with Dani's schedule :S

I can tell the future

I can tell the future. It's true! I have a 70% accuracy rating.....I think.....

I randomly wake up at 2 am remembering I never took the child proof knob lock off the girls bedroom door. Following this thought is the, I bet the is the one night V will wake up needing to go to the bathroom and she wont be able to get out. She will then cry and wake me up to get out. I SHOULD GO TAKE THE LOCK OFF. Do I? No. "I'm being parinoid" I tell myself and force myself to go back to sleep.

So what happens?

Did I get woken up at 4:30 in the morning? No. Yeah for me! Until I step on a wet spot on the carpet that morning. Turns out since she couldn't get out she peed her pants, put her urine soaked bottoms in the hamper because they were "yucky", put new bottoms on and went back to bed.

Should I punish her? It is my fault she couldn't get out in the first place.....but then why didn't she cry and potentially wake up all her siblings and in turn making me a grouchy monster? No. No I did not punish her, at least not that bad. I did ask for a marble since she didn't tell me about it till after I stepped in it.

Proud to be an American

A conversation I over heard a dew weeks back between N and V.

V: *mumbling*
N: "You're not from China! You are from The United States of America."
V: "Oh, yeah."
N: "And we speak English! Here I'll show you. Uno, dos, tres...."

Yeah I was rolling.