Saturday, April 26, 2014

Why gamers are happy people

I'm a dad, and I'm also a gamer.  I'm raising my kids to be gamers because I think gamers have the best subculture of any entertainment-based group in the world.  Here are 22 reasons why gamers are happier people.

  1. When a regular person gets really angry, it's called domestic disturbance.  When a gamer gets really angry, it's called nerd rage and sparks a universal conversation about brotherhood. (umadbro?)
  2. Some people just get gloomy and depressed when there essential utilities go out (water, heat, sewage, ect).  Gamers get upset the same as anyone else when their internet goes out, but they quickly gain a moment to appreciate the HD graphics of real life--and it gives them a chance to eat and catch up on Deep Space Nine episodes, or to sit and ponder on the meaning of life or their League of Legends build.
  3. Despite the fact that most games cost $40-$60 brand new, gamers still have the cheapest form of entertainment on the planet on a per-hour basis.  Many gamers chose to play things on a 6 - 18 month lag.  This yields a form of entertainment that costs $20 and will be enjoyed for 40 to 120 hours over the course of a month or two.
  4. Regular people who are out to hurt others are called felons and require expensive peace-keeping services to disarm and pacify them.  Gamers who are out to hurt others are called trolls, and can easily be disarmed through congeniality and lack of interest.
  5. If there is an unproductive, repetitive, or largely useless topic of conversation among gamers, then they just agree to not bring it up.  If that happens with normal people, they form government programs.
  6. When a gamer manipulates the system, they are called a hacker or a moderator.  Moderators are chosen from those who have proven themselves to be an asset to the game environment.  Hackers are swiftly banned from the game, and those who were victim of the cheater are quickly compensated.  The hacker loses all their virtual wealth, and then starts over.  When a regular person cheats the system, they're called a bond trader, lawyer, or politician.  So long as they don't do anything that is visibly reprehensible, they are given opportunities to further manipulate the system to their benefit, regardless of whether they've improved or harmed the ecosystem.
  7. Asking for help among regular people is called begging, asking for help to a gamer is called "power leveling."
  8. Regular people insist that everyone is equal.  Anyone who goes against this should be argued with and humbled via taxation and incarceration.  Gamers understand that some players are much much better then others, and should be studied and emulated, or countered if possible.
  9. The only class distinctions to a gamer are based on skill level, and there is nothing evil or wrong about that.  The only moral consideration involved with these classes is how well mannered you are about your skill level.
  10. Violence to regular people is a broken home, heartache, pain and suffering.  Violence to a gamer is a baseball bat and a zombie.
  11. Regular people learn by going to classes.  Gamers just try to figure it out, and study up on things as needed.   They are graded and rewarded by results, not with assignments and an emotionally charged lettering system.
  12. Our addictive substances are not controlled by the mafia or cartels, they're controlled by industrial grade servers and graphics cards.
  13. It takes about three mouse clicks to hang-out with your friends.  It takes about six to do something with them.
  14. If a guy acts like a pervert to a girl, then she just blocks chat--and often has options for retaliation (lots of gamer guys are willing to jump to her aide to roflolstomp the perv if asked).  To non-gamers, that requires filing a restraining order and possibly a lawsuit, and there isn't much recourse available.
  15. Showering is not required for social graces, and instead can be enjoyed as a luxury.
  16. World hunger, sickness, and pain are all problems to be solved by typing, "brb bio"
  17. The "daily grind" is entirely optional to a gamer.  Work still sucks.
  18. Pizza is considered health food.
  19. When they find love, they are rewarded with lifetime happiness points.
  20. If you're looking for answers about who you are, where to go, and what to do with your life, consult the strategy guide.
  21. Match-making means jumping in queue.
  22. If you don't like the way something is run, then you just uninstall it.

Why I'm (still) a Mormon

I don't expect much more to ever be posted on this blog, and I'm largely just posting this to share it with some particular friends....