Thursday, October 2, 2008

My blog

Well, everyone else I know has entered the blog-o-sphere, so I might as well. The only time I really have to reflect on things and post about myself is well after my family has gone to bed. The result is my happy insomnia blog!

I currently suffer from insomnia. This wasn't always the case with me. I use to enjoy it. Even staying up until 2 am and being at marching band at 6:30AM didn't really bother me in high school. I read a lot. I was too curious for sleep. There was always one other piece of technology to investigate, one other philosopher to study and read about, one more game to play, one more thought to nibble on.

Not anymore. I'm full of thinking now--quantum physics and differential equation problems can do that to a mind. There are no more games to play: out-smarting a computer doesn't engage my mind, and I don't have the time to spend to compete with loser 15-year-olds with 2.0 GPAs. I don't care to study and learn any more--my curiosity has all but run out.

Why can't I sleep then? I used to think it was just a matter of calming my mind enough to slip away--but my mind is as calm as a morning breeze. I've seen it all, mentally speaking. My mind has stretched to the greatest heights of man, and seen the bottom of the darkest pits. There is no where left to go that will be new to me, it seems.
To avoid the risk of sounding arrogant--I'd like to borrow something that one of my friends said many years ago. She was asking me some rather difficult questions about the direction that her life was taking. I gave some advice, but before I really offered a solution I asked her, "Why do you always come to me for these kinds of things? Why do you just assume that I know the answer?"

"You do! Really, though, since the 6th grade, you've always had the right answer. I think you really do have all the answers."
Well, I'd like the set the record straight now: I don't have all the answers, but I have run out of questions, or know where to find the answer. People don't always agree with the answer, but it doesn't change the validity of things. I can be wrong, and often am--my physics professors can attest to that fact, but this doesn't happen often. I simply have no more questions left to answer for myself. I've covered all the big ones: What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? Will the Brady bunch ever be popular again? What are the implications of having a large abundance of an oddly shaped bi-polar molecule permeate every aspect of our lives?

I simply have run out of questions.

I don't know why I suffer from insomnia. I have a very happy and comfortable life. I have a wonderful wife, and the cutest little girl you might ever see. They both love me, and smile as soon as they see me. Sometimes I can quiet my brain, sometimes I can't--but sleep doesn't seem to come anyway. I'm not scared of anything--even death doesn't bother me anymore. I don't hold grudges, and I don't have a problem letting difficulties and problems of the past go. Why can't I sleep then?

I'm really quite content with life--I just can't sleep. I've tried herbal teas, relaxation techniques, self-hypnosis techniques, routines, staying away from my bed during the day, but nothing seems to really motivate me to sleep. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow about it, but I wonder how much good it'll do.

So, that's why I'm here. I'm gonna spend the extra time in my unusually long days just talking. Feel free to listen, or ask. I welcome new questions, enjoy answering old questions, and I love a challenge.

Signed,

Sleepless

Why I'm (still) a Mormon

I don't expect much more to ever be posted on this blog, and I'm largely just posting this to share it with some particular friends....